Thursday, August 26, 2010

Where things stand

So in case you couldn't tell, things with S have been going really well. Spending time with him is so easy -- our conversations just flow, and we seem able to talk about anything (from our families, to funny childhood stories, to politics, to what we thought about the ending of "Inception," to our days at work, to how we feel about disciplining children -- seriously!). He is always making me smile, and laugh, and I'm very relaxed around him. And yes, there's certainly chemistry as well. I find myself incredibly honest with him, which is amazingly refreshing. And he's clearly sensitive to what makes me happy, and trying to figure out what makes me tick, and pays attention to everything that I say. It's just so nice to be around him.

The other night he asked if he could call me his girlfriend. And I told him that he could say whatever he wanted, but that it might take me some time to use the term "boyfriend" -- just because it might take me some time. So that while I'm not going to date anyone else, not to be surprised if he only hears me call him "the guy that I'm dating" or something along those lines. And he was fine with that. That was the end of the conversation. He's certainly not the pushy type, that's for sure!

He came over last night to cook me dinner (he cooked fish, I cooked the vegetables, and we both did the dishes together). He even remembered that I had broken a bottle of wine the other day and so brought over another bottle to drink with dinner -- what guy remembers things like that? He hasn't had a chance to meet any of my friends yet, and will be out of town this weekend (when I'm hosting an Emmy-watching party), but I'm hoping there will be a chance at some point in the near future. :-D

Here are some other things that I've found amusing or annoying over the past few days and upon which you may wish to comment:

-- If you want to suspend your profile on frumster, the options for the reason why are "engaged to someone I met through frumster," "engaged to someone I met not through frumster," or "other." Really? They expect you to stay on the site until you get engaged??? Why aren't the options "Dating someone I met through frumster," "dating someone met not through frumster," etc??! Why did I have to type that into the "other" field?? If someone stays an active member on the site until the moment they get engaged, I have a MAJOR problem with that person!!!

-- Someone at a meal I attended last week heard that someone else had gotten engaged (actually, she heard wrong, and it was someone else who had gotten engaged, but that's beside the point). That person then said, "Oh, how nice, she really deserves it, she's been on the west side for so long!" Okay, so this girl has been a single girl on the UWS for a long time, so SHE deserves to be engaged? Meaning that those of us who haven't been living on the UWS for as long as she has don't deserve to get engaged? What makes one person DESERVE to be engaged more than someone else? Don't we ALL deserve to find our Bashert and get engaged and be happy, etc, etc, etc?? I was seriously annoyed by that response. (And, btw, it was said by a single girl on the UWS.)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bumping into J6

So I haven't responded to some earlier comments asking more about J6 and why I stayed with him as long as I did if he treated me so poorly. Namely, I think, it's because I didn't realize it. My friends did -- and they tell me that they tried to tell me during the relationship but that I just defended him. I was comfortable with him, too, and I guess there's a part of me that didn't want to be alone.

When we met, the first date was okay. He was easy to talk to, and I didn't have a reason to NOT go out with him on a 2nd date. So I did. And then I went out with him on a 3rd date. I wasn't super excited about him, but I never had a reason to NOT go out with him again. And eventually we had been dating for a few months, and he wanted a commitment from me, so I gave him one. And then it was six months, and then a year, and at 18 months we started looking at rings. But then we didn't get engaged, and still didn't get engaged, and eventually I gave him a deadline and he didn't meet it so we broke up.

Within a few days of the break-up, I realized how relieved I was to not be with him. And how relieved my friends and family were as well! I felt free, and happy. I was sad to be alone, but not sad to be without him. He actually showed up, begging for me back, and then started telling me all the things I could do to improve my relationship with his mother and to make things better with him and stuff and I was like "really? that's how you are going to win me back?" I've never been so glad to have someone out of my life. He asked if I thought there would ever be a chance of us getting back together and I said "No," and when he asked if we could be friends I said "No." I didn't want him around. I had already realized -- and yes, the realizations go on and on, 6 months later -- how poorly he had actually been treating me for all that time. And it was REALLY poorly!!

This past Saturday I spent most of Shabbos afternoon in the park. I was leaving, walking out with some friends, and went over to talk so some other friends who were sitting on a park bench. Standing near the end of the bench were two guys whom I didn't recognize -- and it took me a couple minutes to realize that one of them was J6. He had shaved his goatee (and looks about 15 years old) and was wearing shorts and a polo. Now understand that we'd been to the beach a couple times to visit my family and he never owned shorts, nor would he ever dress down on Shabbos, so it was weird to see him like that. He smiled and said "Hi," so I nodded at him. I stood and talked to my friends for a couple minutes (not talking to him or the girl they were standing next to), but then I decided I didn't even want to be around him so we just left. I didn't say good-bye or acknowledge him again at all.

It was weird to see him -- we haven't been in contact at all -- but weirder to see him on the UWS for Shabbos, with someone I didn't know, and dressed in such a different way when I had asked him so many times to be more casual on Shabbos afternoons and go to the park with me. But I was proud of myself for just walking away and not letting him engage me at all.

I'm kind of expecting him to try to contact me sometime before Yom Kippur (when it's traditional for Jews to ask people whom they've hurt in some way during the previous year for forgiveness). It's funny b/c I've only recently realized how much he had hurt me, but I have completely healed from him and I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him. If he's trying to improve himself and his life, that's good for him. I just don't want him involved in my life at all. I don't want him to be in my community or around my friends -- they are MY friends, and they all know what a jerk he was. Does that make sense?

Monday, August 23, 2010

When you ASSUME, you just make an ASS out of yourself

So to fill you in, I met R before I met S. First we had texted -- and he seemed very fun and smart and I was kinda excited to meet him. We went out for coffee/dessert 2 weeks ago on a Monday night and I had a very nice time with him. I wasn't sure if there was chemistry or not but I was more than willing to see him again. We both had plans the following evening and I was kinda surprised that I didn't hear from him for several days but didn't think too much of it. On Wednesday night I had my first date with S -- and he actually called me the next day to ask me out again. The day after that -- Friday -- I saw that R had actually sent me a text message on Wednesday but I didn't receive it til Friday. It was a one line message asking how the play was that I had seen Tuesday night (he did not specifically ask me out again or anything
like that). I did text him back on Friday and said that I had plans all weekend, which was true -- I went to the Jersey shore with friends on Sunday and got back quite late on Sunday night, and that we'd be in touch.

He texted me again on Sunday and I told him that I had plans Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights of this past week. All this was, again, true. Monday I had the 2nd date with S, Tuesday night I had a movie night with work colleagues and Wed. night was a book club meeting. I asked if R was free on Thursday night and he said he had to work late. Again, this was all via text. He never called to talk on the phone, and I never got his actual email address. After my (very fun) 2nd date with S on Monday night, he asked me out again for a 3rd date so we
made plans for Thursday since I was otherwise free. R and I said we'd talk over the weekend to try to find time early this week.

R apparently saw me out with S on Thursday night (what are the odds?). It was our 3rd date, and things were going very well, and we were holding hands. I guess he became very upset and must think that I lied to him somewhere along the line, but you'll see that I did no such thing. I met S AFTER my 1st date with R-- and it's not like we even discussed if we were seeing other people or not. S actively asked me out again, whereas R did nothing more than text me several days after we had coffee. I made plans with S AFTER R said he couldn't get together that night.

So yesterday, R sent me several fairly rude text messages. I deleted them so can't copy them verbatim, but it went something like this:

"Just checking that was you in Rockefeller Plaza train station Thursday night." (Sunday @ 10am)
"Yeah, it was, where were you?" (Me, many hours later, when I finally decided how to respond to his passive-agressiveness)
"Leaving work, u were holding hands with some dude, was that movies with colleagues or bookclub?"
"You were busy so I made alternate plans for the night."
"Well at the very least it's given me a good dinner story" (there was something else really rude that he said with this text but now I can't remember it -- he basically was calling me a slut, I think)
"Seriously? After one coffee date? I wasn't sure we were a good match but I thought you were nice and I was going to suggest a friend for you. Now, not so much. Good luck to you."
"I have a lot of things I'd like to say but going to take the high road here."

I stopped responding at that point. HE's going to take the high road? From where? What does he think I did wrong here?? We went out ONCE, 2 weeks ago, for coffee and cheesecake. We haven't even spoken on the phone, or planned a 2nd date. Is he out shopping for rings or something? Did I tell him I wasn't seeing other guys? Aren't we both on a dating website that allows us to have 3 open matches at a time? So can't you fairly assume that the other person might have 3 open matches at any given time?

Okay, I'm done ranting. During this text conversation, he went on the SYAS website and closed our match. Which I found fairly humorous. And no, I won't be suggesting that friend for him anymore. I did e-mail my matchmaker the entire story this morning, and I told her she should feel free to forward the email to him if she felt like he deserved more of an explanation but that it didn't matter to me.

Any thoughts? Anyone want to stand up for R's side of this?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Going Out on Proper Dates

NYC has many really nice kosher restaurants. It also has many mediocre kosher restaurants. I usually go to (or order delivery from) the latter. They are more affordable, and you can get a burger, or a chicken sandwich, or chinese food. I have been to the nice places very few times. In fact, I've been to each one once. With my Mom, when she's been in town (Thanks, Mom!), or when we've visited NYC before I moved here.

Now you may have noticed that I dated J#6 for over 2 years. He never once took me a nice Kosher restaurant. Not for our 1st anniversary. Not for my 30th birthday. Not for our 2nd anniversary. I took him to one of the NICER, but still on the cheaper side, places for his birthday. He took me the same place 6 months later for my birthday (but then nowhere special for the following, 30th, b'day). He did take me to a few kosher places in NJ when we first started dating -- he had a car, and lived there -- but the nicest one was a dairy pasta place. And one was barbeque, which was a treat, but nothing fancy. I never once dressed nicer than jeans. My Mom took us BOTH to a super fancy kosher place when she was in town once -- when a visiting chef was there (he had won Top Chef). It was amazing. But for the most part, we ordered chinese, or burgers. We very rarely even went out to those restaurants, it was mostly delivery to my apartment.

Tonight is my 3rd date with S. He's taking me to one of these fancy Kosher restaurants. And I am not going to be wearing jeans. Now you should know that he's NOT rich. In fact, he just quit his regular job to open up his own law office to help the under-served. So he doesn't even have a regular paycheck right now! But apparently he actually knows how to take someone out on proper dates, and treat them well, and all those things that J6 didn't know. And I have to say, I'm really excited!!

And, by the way, this is after we spoke on the phone for over an hour last night. The girl who hates talking on the phone spent that long speaking to a guy, and only hung up b/c it was midnight and she had to go to sleep. :-)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Oooh, free things!!

I'm a sucker for all free things (did you hear about the free ticket to Israel I recently won?!), and jewelry (who isn't?!), so I must point your interest to THIS site and to THIS giveaway for some of both:

Vintage Jewelry Giveaway

I hope you don't win, because I want to. But you should check out her blog anyway. :-)

Jew Wish

So that's the name of the show that we went to see as part of my 2nd date with S the other night -- and it was so funny! The link is below, go see it if you get a chance. It's a one-woman show all about J-dating. She pokes fun at many of the things you and I hate about online dating -- like the fact that all the guys think they should post pictures with kids (their nieces & nephews, or friends' kids, or random kids off the street) b/c that makes them more attractive. Or the non-Jews who join the sites. Or our parents who offer to pay for us to join Jewish dating sites b/c they just want us to be happy already. Here's the link: Super funny.

The date, meanwhile -- terrific. We met for a quick dinner (falafel -- yummy -- my Mom would love this place!) and then headed to the show. Afterward we got a drink nearby the theater and then came home, and yes, he came inside for a bit. That's all I will tell you. But we clearly both had a great time, and after nearly 7 hours together I don't think either of us wanted the date to end. The conversation flowed easily, he makes me laugh and is clearly interested in what I have to say. He commented at one point that I am a very "relaxed and calm" person and I nearly cracked up b/c that is NOT how most people would describe me -- I said it must be a compliment to HIM if that's the side that he's bringing out in me! And yes, he already called the next day to find out when he can see me again.

So far, so good....I'll keep you posted. :-)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Two first dates

Sorry it's been "so long" since I've updated -- after posting so frequently I guess a week seems like a long time!

Last week I had two first dates with two very nice guys, but they were very different. The first guy, R, is a journalist and he was very sweet. We met for coffee but also got dessert, and we chatted for a long time -- but I just didn't feel any chemistry with him. I kept thinking how much I'd love to be friends with him (and actually thought that I'd love to set him up with a friend of mine). The problem now is that I don't know how to tell him this. He texted me a couple days later, but I didn't see the text til 2 days after THAT, so I texted him back from before Shabbos and told him I had a busy weekend and we'd be in touch this week -- haven't heard from him again. Thoughts about what to do next? I don't actually have his email (just his inbox though the SYAS site, which seems very impersonal to use) but I don't want to be crude and close the match without talking to him first. Like I said, he was very sweet and an interesting guy.

The other guy seems way more promising. We met for drinks but ended up sharing a salad and a dessert as well, and sat for over 2 hours. If body language says anything he was VERY interested because if had leaned over the table any more he would have bumped into my head! He was funny, and interesting, and asked me a lot of questions about myself. And interrupted me at one point to tell me how pretty I am (which made me blush). He walked me home and held my hand along the way. And e-mailed me that night to say what a great time he had -- and called the next day (!) to ask me out again! So yes, we are going out tonight -- to a light dinner and then a play in the Village that a friend of a friend is putting on. Which means it's a "not your typical" 2nd date, so he totally wins extra points for that. :-)

Both of these guys were from SYAS. On the Frumster point, I've still been emailing the same few guys, nothing new or interesting -- a couple guys have asked for my number or tried to set up something to meet, but honestly I haven't felt like getting there (and haven't had time!) -- there's one guy who works in my hospital that I might meet for coffee in our coffeeshop only b/c I feel like I know him and he keeps asking and otherwise it might be awkward when I do eventually run into him. And now explain this to me: WHY are there 60 and 70 year-old men looking at my profile?? Ew, GROSS. Stop. Nasty. You shouldn't even be LOOKING at my profile. Unless you have a super cute 30 year old grandson or something you want to introduce me to. Just YUCK.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I'm actually a good doctor

I was on call this past weekend for a private practice on the UES that I cover one weekend a month, and there were a couple instances that were a little rewarding. I saw a newborn in the well-baby nursery both mornings and on Sunday morning as I was leaving, the Mom asked for my card so she could use me as her pediatrician instead of this office. It was sweet, but I told her that I worked in the Hospital's clinic and that my schedule was fully booked, but that she was really going to like the doctors in that practice. I felt so honored!! I also had a couple phone calls about some pretty sick kids, and I gave the parents some advice, and when I followed up with the parents the next day the kids were doing much better! So my advice worked, which felt really good. :-)

I've also now been practicing long enough that I'm getting newborns who are the younger siblings of other patients that I've had since THEY were born! Happened to me today in clinic. I've already had newborns who were younger siblings of kids that I picked up as toddlers or older patients -- one Mom on the postpartum floor the other day told the attending on service very specifically that I was her pediatrician, this for her 7th baby! -- but today was the 2nd time that I had the younger baby of another baby (who is 2 1/2 now). It's VERY rewarding!!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my job? Most days, at least. :-D

Friday, August 6, 2010

My amusement for the day

This is my amusement for the day:

The ad on the side of frumster this morning takes you to this link:

Awfully pretentious of them, isn't it? (You should know that married women in Orthodox Judaism cover their hair. AFTER marriage.)

So you are on this site, trying to find a guy and maybe set up a first date, and they are advertising things you might need once you get married. I just find it funny.

Meanwhile, I met one of my matchmakers from SYAS last night. She's younger than I expected, but very nice and funny, and offered me a lot of insight. Namely, that I shouldn't be worried, that I have a lot to offer and that she is really going to go to bat for me. She's actually planning to leave SYAS soon but is going to keep looking for me personally, which is nice.

Have a great weekend! :-D

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Rude People

So this guy from Boston -- who describes himself as "the life of the party. I like to laugh and have a good time. I also have a tendancy to be intense, at times. I constantly look for ways to grow and improve myself and the relationship between myself and my Creator. I'm pretty chilled out. This is very hard to write...(sic)" (so clearly he was trying to fill up the required space) -- sent me an icebreaker last week. I ignored it, I didn't particularly like his profile. He sent me another one today. So I write back this time, and said in what I thought was a nice manner that I usually don't respond to icebreakers -- as stated in my profile -- and that if he'd like to communicate with me to please write me a real email. I also said that I don't usually like long-distance things (also stated in my profile, where I say that my ideal guy "doesn't live more than a quick train ride away, but I didn't remind him of that in today's reply) but to please tell me why he thought we might be good together. Or something like that. I don't remember the exact words.

His reply: "Get over yourself."


My responses to your responses

Thanks for all the comments! I love it, so keep them coming.

98% of the time, I respond to all e-mails I receive on frumster/jwed. Even the ones that just say "hi, wanna chat?" or the ones from the 60 year-old men. I will respond with "sure, if you want to tell me more about yourself," or "Thanks for the e-mail, but you are outside the age range that I'm looking for, I wish you all the best." I don't even use the automatic "I'm not interested" reply, I will write my own response.

I don't always respond to the icebreakers, b/c I say in my profile that I won't. I DO, however, look at all the profiles of the people that send the icebreakers, and if there's anything in the profile that looks remotely interesting to me then I will write the person back and ask him something about himself. Unfortunately, that's only happened once. The icebreakers tend to come from guys that I otherwise wouldn't have any interest in -- which makes sense, since they are clearly guys who aren't even reading my profile.

All that being said, and other things being equal, the guys I find myself actually corresponding with somehow end up being guys I wouldn't necessarily pick out myself -- and it is because they write me lovely, well-written, personal e-mails that I end up corresponding with them. They may be slightly older than I'd like, or live out of town. One guy right now has a daughter, but his e-mails are absolutely lovely. Another guy doesn't fit my ideal for looks -- but again, such well written and personal e-mails he puts other guys to shame. So if someone wants to "hook" me, that's all they have to do. The e-mail matters way more to me than anything else.

And here's my questions for the day, readers. When do you abandon e-mail and go to phone calls or the first meeting? I have some guys who ask for my phone number -- as you saw below -- from the first "hi" greeting they send. Others ask after the first full e-mail, and some guys will e-mail for weeks before they ask for the digits. Meanwhile, I'm not terribly comfortable on the phone, ever. (Ask my best friends -- or even my Mom or sister. I hate talking on the phone, in general, and it's why long distance relationships are super hard for me.) I don't think it's my best side -- and I think I'm more nervous on the phone than in person, actually. But I'm also just not certain at what point it's "correct" to give out your phone number. (And as an aside, it's one of the things I don't like about "Saw You At Sinai," the matchmaking site -- they go straight to phone numbers, I'd rather e-mail first.) When do you give out, or ask for, a number? Do you make a snap judgment whether to meet someone based on the phone conversation? Do you ever decide to meet someone just from your emails and not having spoken on the phone? HELP, I need your advice!

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm only looking for a LITTLE effort

I said I'd come back to this topic, and I almost always keep my promises.

Online dating probably isn't anyone's first choice, right? Wouldn't we all rather meet someone through a friend, or across a room, or something way more romantic? But those of us who have turned to online dating have done it because we do want to meet someone, and it's hard to meet someone at bars/through friends/etc etc, so we are trying a different route.

Most of us make a real effort with our profiles. We try to be kinda cute, and smart, and different than everyone else. And all we expect in return is some kind of effort in the e-mail we get in response to that profile. It's partially why I hate those icebreakers -- all you have to do is click a button, and I'm looking for a tiny bit of effort and maybe some creativity and interest.

But these are some ACTUAL e-mails I've received over the past month. I have archives going back years and could probably go through them and find even better examples, if you're interested. For the most part, I'm nice, and I send some kind of response even though I could probably just as easily ignore them. The profiles that go along with these e-mails also leave much to be desired. Either they give NO information, or they belong to 60 year-old men. All spelling and grammatical mistakes are left intact. Each line is one entire e-mail, the dashes are where there may have been separate lines within the email.

-- look at those muscles/ hiya, can we chat
-- hi / leave ur phone number:)
-- Whatcha up to? (this was the 2nd email from this guy. the 1st said "hey alabama")
-- What's going on ?
-- hey how are you? / im D, nice to meet you
-- tell me more fun smart down to earth curly hair ok pinch me are u real me sorry no pic but there u need not worry and twist my arm ill get u one ok yes pretty daring of me dont shy away when u see mine dont look it or act it and never judge a book by its cover ok tag u are it o u knew that
-- its real cute but i contect to you abot you write-ask me if you want to know percific jes i want to know please

My weekend movie reviews

Hello, my loyal readers! Did you have a fun weekend?

I saw three (!) movies this weekend. That's after spending all day in Central Park on Saturday (it was gorgeous weather!). I also finished our next bookclub book, and did some studying, so it wasn't a completely wasted weekend. Below are my reviews, would love to hear what you thought as well. I do believe in the past week I've seen 30% of the Oscar nominees for this year, by the way.

1) Inception: BRILLIANT film. Christopher Nolan is a genius. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happens, and I understand why many reviews have said it needs two viewings. I also agree with the reviews that say the romantic storyline (between Leo and Marion Cotillard) feels kinda rushed and not "enough" to be truly bought by the audience. But that storyline isn't the important part, you don't need to buy it to get the rest of it, so who really cares? I'm torn between two major theories, and I don't want to give away any spoilers for those of you who haven't seen it yet, but go see it and then we can discuss. For those of you who haven't see it yet, think Ocean's 11 (a great heist movie) mixed with Memento (a mixed-up messes with your brain movie) and you've got Inception. Now go see it.

2) Despicable Me (3D): Very cute and funny. You would never know it was Steve Carell if you didn't know. He's a villain who needs the help of 3 little girls to steal the moon, and of course the 3 little girls are super adorable. Plus there are the minions!! I need some minions, anyone know where I can get some?? Be sure to stay for the credits. That's the best part of the 3D.

3) Toy Story 3 (3D): Awesome. So incredibly sweet, and sad, and beautiful, and written for adults but funny for kids. I cried, of course, who wouldn't? Andy is all grown up and going away to college, and the toys are bound for the attic. But they decide to ship themselves off to daycare instead, hoping to be played with, and all hell breaks loose. See it in 3D if you can, but make sure to see it. Just bring some kleenex. And again, stay through the credits, Pixar will never let you down. (As an aside, I love the Pixar shorts, but the one before this film was not my favorite. It's cute, just not one of their best. Let me know if you disagree.)