I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend about the difference between having standards and being picky. It's a fine line. I think it's okay to say that I'll only date Jewish guys -- no one would say that's being too picky, right? And I only want to date guys who are as Observant as I am (keep Shabbos and Kosher the same way that I do). Plus I would only date someone who's college educated, and I don't want to date anyone who has kids.
So then this guy e-mails me last week on Frumster/JWed and he doesn't have a college degree, and I send him a nice note back saying that I don't think we'd be a good match. He writes me back and says that while he respects my decision, he doesn't have a problem dating someone with a medical degree, that he didn't go to college but instead opened his own business and does very well for himself. (Now this entire e-mail was full of spelling and grammatical errors, just so you know.) Do you think it's unfair of me to say straight out that I won't date someone who doesn't have a college degree??
What about other standards? Like not wanting to date someone who's divorced or has kids? Or is Ashkenazic vs Sephardic, or lives nearby vs long-distance? What about age standards? When does it become being "too picky" and one needs to allow oneself to be more flexible and just meet more people?
I will tell you that I once dated a guy who was about 6 years older than me. On our 3rd date, he told me his rule was he wouldn't date anyone born in 1980 or late. I had to then tell him that I had already broken his rule, but only by 2 hours, since I was born at 1:52am on January 1, 1980. He decided that since it was still 1979 in California when I was born, he would allow it. But really, when you have such strict rules, you are BOUND to meet the ONE person who breaks them, right??
I understand what you are saying because I know that I have a few "dealbreakers" as I call them (see my blog post about that). However, in the case you have given here. Is it fair to say college educated? I mean some people go through all four years never learning a thing! And some people right out of high school start businesses or make other choices that prove successful for them. Would it be fair to say you want someone with ambition and drive, as well as someone you can have an intelligent conversation with (regardless of education level)?
ReplyDeleteby the way...after a four year degree and a masters, I still have pleanty of errors in my writing! :-)
Ha! See above! Look what happens when I type too fast! "pleanty" oy vey!
ReplyDeleteStandards are good, but so is a willingness to consider someone outside of those standards (i.e., prioritize those standards). Also, standards change (read: relax somewhat) with age... Something I've definitely noticed in myself as I've progressed into another decade.
ReplyDeleteThat said, we all have things that are dealbreakers. For example, for me, I have a close family member who is really allergic to cats. I won't be with a cat owner (aside from the fact that I'm really not at all a pet person) because that family member would never be able to visit my home if a cat lived there. And that is just not acceptable to me. And you shouldn't feel bad about having them, because these are things that are important to you.
It's just good to know how important some of these things are: preference vs. dealbreaker? If a lot of things "look good" but there is a potential deal breaker, go on a date with the person to see if it is actually a dealbreaker or just a preference.